The Right Kind of Creep…

Sometimes bad books happen to good readers, and for me this had been the trend for some time. My kindle was quickly being filled with awful book after awful book. I was in a funk, and couldn’t seem to get out of it. Luckily for me, Christmas came early in the form of a fantastic book by newcomer Sally Thorne. I stumbled across The Hating Game simply because I was super behind on my Christmas shopping, and found myself easily distracted by a book suggestion.

Honestly, neither the title nor the cover art pulled me in too much, but I found myself clicking to read the synopsis. I didn’t want to read too much in case I did purchase the book. Upon seeing the $7.99 price tag, I was almost deterred, because I read so many books and this book was exceptionally high. I was about to leave the page, when I remembered that I had some digital credits and would end up paying only $4.99. The universe was trying to tell me something, I knew it, so I one-clicked it. As I hit purchase, I sent up a silent prayer to the book gods, and hoped I wouldn’t regret my midnight purchase.

Over the following days as my Amazon packages began to appear, I remembered that I had purchased this book, and decided to start reading it during lunch. Not only was I late getting back to work, but I was also late to work the following morning because I had stayed up way past my bedtime reading. Sally Thorne had intended this to be a short story for a friend, but somehow found herself with a fantastic full-length novel. Before she began writing she asked said friend to give her one word that she would use as inspiration. Nemesis was that word. The title is a clever play on the word nemesis.

Lucy Hutton is a cute pushover who works with her arch nemesis Joshua Templeman in extremely close quarters. At first, some of the interactions between Lucy and Joshua seem a bit weird almost creepy. The truth is the reader isn’t intended to like much less love Joshua. I know I wasn’t fond of him. But as I continued to read I not only began to like him, I quickly fell in love with him as much as I loved Lucy. His “creepiness” wasn’t creepy, it was a relationship built over time, a relationship that was for much of the time one sided. Then turned into a beautiful kind of truce between two nemeses.

Now let’s talk about the other kind of creep, the bad kind of creep. A few weeks ago my friend Valerie received a Facebook message from a man she had never seen and didn’t know. The message was, “Hi, I know this may seem creepy, but I’m just very good at figuring things out. I always see you at the parking deck and I know most people that park here typically work at the Chase building so what I did was Instagram searched Chase and literally your picture popped up with some of your friends or coworkers, like the first pictures literally. So I clicked the picture and your Instagram name showed up and this is how I found your name (God I know this looks so bad smh), but I just really want to talk to you because you are a dope looking lady. Anyway, so I searched your name on Facebook and “again” your profile was the first one to show up; so I just want you to know that I’m not a stalker I’m just smart and I piece things together extremely well, and that is how I found you. So sorry if this weirds you out, in 2016, I know people are so paranoid about everything but I hope you understand that I simply took a chance on making myself look bad just to be able to possibly contact you, (aside from leaving a note on your car). You know the saying “no risk, no reward” I hope you reply to this and not “block” me for taking a shot in the dark.”  (Picture Below)

Now, when my friend Valerie sent this to me I reread it at least 3 times before I could even respond to her text message. “Dafaq?” was literally the only thing that came to mind. Because seriously, in what universe would a man think that a woman would look at this message and not think it was creepy. I mean, not only did he look her up on Instagram, he decided to dig deeper until he found her on Facebook and wrote to her. She didn’t reply to him, and I encouraged her not to. Something about the fact that he was not only watching her at work, but proceeded to creep on the internet for more information scared the crap out of me. She agreed with me that the whole situation made her feel very uncomfortable. I was wondering if I was being paranoid, so we decided to ask other people their thoughts.

After a few days the vote was not unanimous (insert my shock here), it was ultimately agreed that yes, this was in fact more creepy than flattering. However, one of the people who didn’t think it was creepy asked a question that stunned me. She asked, “Well is he good looking?” I stopped and thought about this for some time and wondered why the in the hell that mattered? Would it be ok if the guy looked more “boy next door”? Because the truth was I couldn’t look past the fact that this guy’s actions were slightly terrifying. His intentions were unclear, we honestly didn’t know what his reaction would be when she didn’t reply. We didn’t know if he would approach her and tell her that he was the one who had messaged her and question her as to why she hadn’t replied.

So back to The Hating Game, at the beginning, Joshua Templeman’s character did not give me all the warm fuzzy feelings that I am used to getting when reading a romance. But I think the hilarious dynamic between these two is why I loved Joshua Templeman and this book so much! Before I give away any spoilers, I will just say that this book was by far one of my favorite books of 2016 and dare I say it, one of my favorite books of all time. So do yourself a favor and look past the price tag, and one-click this bad boy. I promise you won’t regret it.

Stunned.

Today, while at lunch I decided to take my book and read it outdoors, enjoying our unusually hot fall weather (89 glorious degrees). While I was sitting outside at a restaurant, I had a man walk by me, as he was walking by me his shadow let me know he was there. So I looked up and he smiled at me, stopped walking and said, “You have a beautiful smile.” I smiled back and thanked him. He began to walk away as I went back to my book again. He then stopped turned around and came back to where I was sitting and proceeded to try to have a conversation with me.

“What are you reading?” Pause.

“Is it any good?” Pause.

“What’s your name?” Pause.

Me- Man, he isn’t letting me answer.  I began to open my mouth to respond, when he started firing questions at me again.

“Are you here for lunch?”

“Do you come here often?”

Me- Good lord almighty I’m really ready to get back to my crappy book. But seriously, the book I’m reading isn’t even remotely good, but it’s more interesting than this guy. How can I get out of this conversation politely?

Me-  “Book name is blah, it’s not great, my name is Jasmine (not my real name),  I’m here on lunch, and no, I don’t come here often.”

I don’t know what the protocol for ending awkward unwanted chit-chat is, but I was done. He just nodded, and was about to ask me something else, when I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I would really like to get back to my book.” He stood there staring at me, and I didn’t know what to do. I started panicking. My internal monologue commenced. How long do I have to keep eye contact before he gets the memo and walks away? Why doesn’t  he get that I’m uncomfortable? OMG, does he have food in his teeth, or is that a gap?” I felt myself squint, trying to get a better look at his teeth before I made eye contact once again. He began shaking his head, before he said, “Can I join you?” and pointed to the chair next to me. I blinked. Stunned. STUNNED. I mean, what the actual hell was happening?

Stunned is the perfect word to describe how I felt when I finished reading It Ends with Us, by Colleen Hoover. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Colleen. Like so obsessed with her that a good friend of mine who is a Pastor wrote a sermon about my obsession. I was so excited about reading this book that I pre-ordered the e-book, knowing full well that I had also ordered the paperback version. But who wants to wait for the mailman to deliver the damn thing. Not this girl! I mean Colleen’s books are ones you prepare yourself for, the kind of books you call in sick to read on release day. And I was as prepared as I could be. I had made sure that I had finished my current read before this one released.

So when I saw that the e-book had been delivered to my kindle at 10:00 pm (2 whole hours early), I told myself I would read for one hour, allowing me to go to bed and get an acceptable amount of sleep. That didn’t happen. I read 50% of the book, before I told myself that I was going to have all day to read. I had called out of work ready to enjoy a day of lounging and reading.

I woke up early the following day, made myself a smoothie, wanting not to waste any of my precious reading time. I was quickly consumed, with Lily’s past wanting to know what was going to happen. Then we read and follow as Lily meets and falls in love with Ryle, and as the reader, we too fall in love! The more I read, the more I swooned. And then I began to wonder why Colleen chose to put in Lily’s past, one where we meet Atlas, whom we also fall in love with. Atlas is a teen we meet from Lily’s flashbacks of her teenage years. A time where she meets Atlas, and finds herself with the overwhelming need to help and protect Atlas. A need that makes the reader mourn everything he’s lost, mourn the life every child should have, but in his case didn’t. Atlas’ shitty hand, is so devastating it shatters our heart, and leaves us wondering what happened to Atlas. Why am I reading about him in the past tense? Why would she introduce us to him?

Then it happened. I reached part two of the book. And my stomach and cramped back remind me, that I’ve done absolutely nothing but read all day. But that doesn’t matter because PART TWO! If it is even possible I was even more consumed with part two than I was with one. I had so many questions and as my pages were becoming less and less, I was becoming anxious and dare I say angry. I didn’t want the book to end, not like this, not with the crazy twist she was putting in the book, and then she did she end the fucking book. I sat there looking at it, went back and re-read the final chapter one last time, because what the actual fuck? I sat there stunned. STUNNED. So I went back and re-read the final chapter a third time. And I smiled a little bit through my ugly tears. I was a little less stunned. So I read that final chapter one more time, and still the tears fell, but I still couldn’t believe it. This was it. There were no extra chapters, nothing. I honestly didn’t know how to feel.

I made myself breath trying to calm down, and knew I needed to stop thinking about it and distract myself. Really I just needed a temporary distraction because “What the fuck Colleen?” So I made myself pancakes at 3 in the afternoon, watched some Ellen DeGeneres (insert irony here) and didn’t hear a word spoken because I kept replaying that final chapter over and over in my head. So, I did what any sane person would do, I drank 2 advil and re-read the final chapter. Again. Something about this time was different. I don’t know what it was about this final time that made me cry harder, even though it should have been impossible to do so, and when I finished it, I felt lighter and grateful for this book, because although I was stunned (yes, still stunned) it is such a powerful book, and I believe it’s a book that all women should read.

Is this the kind of book I would recommend to people, hell yes! Is this the kind of book I would re-read? I don’t know. I was so moved by it, that I honestly believe that if I re-read it, everything I gained by reading it the first time might be lost.  

Two weeks later I saw Colleen at a book signing in Los Angeles, and was able to thank her for writing a book that made me stop and think and quite honestly left me speechless and stunned. Poor thing was sick from her crazy travel schedule and after 3 hours of signing, I knew what I told her was something she had surely hear from one of her other fans. What she doesn’t know is that this book that stunned me, made me cry for all the Lily’s in the world, that haven’t read this book, and might never read it. I know this blog post is very vague and I did that on purpose, because honestly this is a book that you want to go in knowing as little as possible. But in all fairness, I did warn you about being left stunned.

Which brings me back to today, William (yes, I learned his name) didn’t get the clue that I wanted to be left alone and sat down at my table. Here is what I learned about William before I was able to save myself. He is just out of a long-term online relationship. They met on a discussion board about PokemonGo (no, I’m not making this up). He is an accountant, but hates numbers (insert confusion here). He recently upgraded to a red Toyota Prius, and would like to be married in the next year and a half. Now, at some point during this very awkward one-sided conversation, he realized he hadn’t asked me anything about myself, laughed and proceeded to ask me how I felt about cats. And that my friends was my cue to make a hasty exit. I looked at my watch and told him I had a meeting I needed to get to. I grabbed my belongings, got up and turned to say goodbye, and I noticed he had his phone out handing it to me to put my number in. Now, I thought I was stunned before, nope. This was so far past stunned I don’t even think there is a word for it. I handed him his phone back, and as kindly as I could, tried to let him down. “William, this has been interesting, and I thank you for your interest, but um. Yeah, I’m not interested. Thank you so much, and have a great day.” I walked away but not before I heard him mutter, “Maybe it’s my cologne.”

General Assholery & Illusive Authors

The other night I realized that I wasn’t just a pain in the ass as a kid, I was a straight up asshole. Like I don’t wish that kid on anyone level of assholery. As I was looking at all the pictures of myself, I realized that I did everything in my power to be as difficult as possible. I mean for the first 5 years of my life, I simply refused to try new food and had some made up aversion to all green foods. Now, please don’t judge my mother for “allowing” this to happen. She did all she could to make sure I was healthy, but food was just a constant battle for her. I was big on textures, so if she forced me to eat foods that were green or textured she knew I would probably vomit. Simple as that, so she avoided it. I mean, who wants to clean up kid vomit all day, every day?

One particular day, my mother had enough of my stubbornness and took it upon herself to teach me a lesson. She knew that I had made up my mind that I wanted nothing to do with these healthy foods. So sat down in front of me with a small red bowl, and said “If you eat these, we can go get that Skipper doll you’ve been wanting.” Then she proceeded to walk away like the badass she was.

Now, if you don’t know what a Skipper doll is, then you clearly were not a 90’s baby. Skipper was Barbie’s little sister and was the only toy I had wanted all year, but I had done nothing worthy enough in my mother’s eyes to earn it. I was, however, taunted every time I turned on the TV because for months on end she was the “it” toy. I wanted her with every fiber of my being.
The small red bowl of cucumbers which sat in front of me, taunted me while I stared at it for a good few minutes. Finally, I took a deep breath, counted the pieces, and quietly chanted to myself, “You can do this!” The only thing separating me from my very own Skipper doll was 24 small cucumber pieces. I stood up and stuck as many pieces as I could into my mouth. I began to chew while holding my nose, and when I realized I couldn’t breathe properly I let go of my nose. Up until that day I had feared vegetables. I simply woke up and decided that all vegetables were gross. Try talking a 5 year old out of anything, it’s impossible and not usually pretty.

My reality changed that day after eating those 24 pieces of cucumber. After finishing the last piece, I was surprisingly shocked that I made it to the bottom of that red bowl. After a few minutes, my mother came back in and being the asshole I was, acted as though I had hated every bite. If I gave my mother any inkling that I enjoyed the cucumbers, I knew she would take advantage of the situation and force feed me vegetables for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. For some time after this, my mom found non-traditional ways of introducing new vegetables into my daily meals, for example, new shoes for Skipper or a new back to school outfit for Skipper that matched my outfit. She knew Skipper was my Achilles heel and that I would do anything for more Skipper accessories.

This brings us to current day. As an avid reader, my expectations for books has changed over time. Now that I’m in a book club and have a blog, I try to avoid authors and books that have low ratings and I especially avoid books by authors I have previously read in the past and disliked. I will admit that this has, at times, made me an asshole who has passed up great books or authors due to high expectations and fear of wasting my time. So I don’t really follow hype of new authors and new books until I have done enough research to commit to an author or book.

A few months ago, I was reading a trending post in one of the Facebook groups I follow and they were talking about a new author named Max Monroe. After reading post after post about this author, I decided to take my curiosity one step further. I logged onto my Goodreads account and decided that I would figure out who this illusive Max Monore was. After about 20 minutes on Goodreads and Google, I gathered enough information and tried to decipher the information I had found. Apparently Max and Monroe are two separate people. It’s the pseudonym of two New York Times Best Selling authors. Now after reading this I thought, “Oh man, this is such a gamble.” I’ve read multiple series in which two great authors collaborate and I found it extremely difficult to finish, and most of the time, wished I had never wasted my time or money. Max Monroe didn’t pique my interest enough to add to my To Be Read (TBR) list.
The next few weeks went by and people kept talking about this duo and how no one could figure out who they were. My newsfeed was filled with people speculating about who they believed the two authors were. At one point, it was believed that one of the authors was Colleen Hoover, my all-time favorite author. She made a few jokes on her Facebook page and then admitted that she was not in fact one of the authors. Yet, the hype grew and grew as did their pre-orders for book one. I still wasn’t persuaded to pre-order let alone add this book to my TBR list.
The release day came and went, and I decided I would wait to see how it did on Amazon and Goodreads before I even considered reading or suggesting it to my book club. Exactly one month after it was released, curiosity got the best of me, and I downloaded a sample of Max Monroe’s first book Tapping the Billionaire. Don’t stop reading, it’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Tapping is actually a play on an app that is featured in the book. Now, that we’ve cleared that up, let me tell you about this book. It is by far the funniest thing I have ever read. This book quickly dethroned Nuts by Alice Clayton (sorry Alice), and did so in the most ridiculously awesome way.
 
The premise of this book is one that most readers are familiar with, a girl works for a big company and one day her boss decides that he is going to ask her out. And well the rest is fairly predictable, but it didn’t even matter because I found myself laughing aloud while reading. I made the mistake of reading at work where my co-workers gave me funny looks, but I didn’t care, because I was loving every minute of it. Unlike most other books with the same premise, this one had one thing that the other books didn’t, the billionaire boss was down to earth and humble which made you fall in love with him instantly. Yes, judge away, I just admitted to falling in love with a fictional character. Anyways, funny scenarios happen, and the more it does, the more you love the friendship/relationship that builds between Georgia (Georgie) and Klein.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was wrong to assume this book would suck because of all the hype. My expectations were not realistic, and just like that day years ago, my views shifted. My reality was that I assume the book would suck but it didn’t. I devoured this book. I think I read this book and its novella in a day. Safe to say that when book 2 came out, I had zero reservations about diving in head first. In book 2 (Banking the Billionaire), we are re-introduced to Thatcher (Klein’s friend) and Cassie (Georgia’s friend) who begin a relationship basically on a bet. The whole thing is yet again ridiculous, and at time over the top but I seriously could not put it down. Again I laughed, and wanted to know more. When the book ended it left the readers wanting to know what craziness was going to happen next which brings me to why I am writing my blog today. Max Monroe sent me an excerpt of their next book Banking Her due to be released September 6, 2016. So if you want to know what’s going to happen with Georgie & Klein and Thatch & Cassie, stay tuned…… if you haven’t meet these characters yet, well, get to it.

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http://www.authormaxmonroe.com/#!books/cnec
http://goo.gl/gd2aB9

Nuts… The Gift that Keeps on Giving!

Have you ever been pleasantly surprised for all the wrong reasons? Well since the New Year began, I have had this happen to me in both my “dating life” and my reading life. I was introduced to Alice Clayton, a few years ago and I thought her writing was ok. Honestly, it wasn’t something I would promote or suggest. Although she has published book after book since the one read, I never went back to read any of them. Then one day while searching for a new book, I saw a book cover for her upcoming book, and I smiled at both the title and the cover art. Yet I wasn’t intrigued enough to click and read the synopsis. Quickly after the release date, the 5 star ratings came in, and I still wasn’t convinced to read it. It wasn’t until my book club decided that we would give it a shot. I did and went in with low expectations. The same was true of the events that happened on Tuesday night.

A few weeks ago, my friend Valerie decided that we should go speed dating. Now this wasn’t just any old speed dating, this was a professionals, ages 30-40. At first I thought eh. But the more I thought about it, the more, I said well what do I have to lose? The truth was I would only lose a Tuesday night (at worst). So I jumped on board, and before I knew it, it was Speed Dating night. I did what any girl would do, chose a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup and headed downtown to start this adventure. Truth be told I was hoping that at the very least I would have some laughs and some stories to tell. And boy was I right!

The night started off a little on the weird side when Valerie, her co-worker and I were sitting at a small table by the bar. A woman took it upon herself to take a seat with us and tell us about her lack of dates. The three of us listened as she regaled us with her latest Tinder catastrophe. After a few more stories, we began to see men coming into the nice hotel and we knew they too were for the same event. We finished our drinks and checked in, we were seated around a dinning room that was “blocked off” to the general public.

The girls were the only ones allowed in this area for sometime, and honestly as we looked around we couldn’t help but laugh at how we got ourselves into these situations. Before we knew it we were then introduced to the host for the evening and he gave us a basic explanation on how the evening would go. Of course, the first five-minute round meant that I would be an observer versus an actual participant, because a few men hadn’t shown. Which truth be told, was more than fine by me. I sat back sipped my lemon water, and enjoyed the best people watching of my life.

A long gong (I kid you not) was our signal that it was time for the men to move on to the next table. The first gentleman that joined me was a guy who seemed nice right off the top, then began to tell me what he hated about my lovely city. I honestly sat there laughing, because I mean it’s San- FUCKING Diego, what can you complain about other then we have too much sunshine. To say that I was excited when our five minutes was up would be an understatement. I was ecstatic. Next came an awesome 45 year-old engineer, who couldn’t make eye contact. Like at all. At first, I thought well, that’s funny, but really get it together dude. He finally made eye contact, when he dropped his pen, and had to pick it up.

The night continued very much the same way until a Will Farrell look-a-like sat down, and when I say sat down, I mean threw himself into his chair. “Hi…” Looking at his name badge I finished “Jim.” He looked at my name badge and closed his eyes as if in pain, and said “Shit, man. Your name is Love and I’m over here with the lamest name ever.” I laughed, because I love me a sense of humor, but I quickly learned that his sense of humor was fueled by liquor. Lots and lots of liquor. Over the next seven minutes (he refused to move until he was literally escorted to the next chair) he told me about how he always wished he was a bad ass, but with a face and personality like his, there was really no way “Jim would ever be considered cool.” His whole rant was seriously the best of the night. With phrases like “My ex childhood best friend stopped talking to me, because I called him an asshole to his face, while naked in his childhood bed. Oh, and did I tell you that I drive a car named Matilda.” Now, Jim and I were not a match but he did make my night, because let’s face it hearing a man talk about how much of a wimp he is for never being able to get a massive tattoo of a polar bear and guns on his chest is a win for me.

Following Jim, who asked me all of zero questions about myself was a young man named Lee who began our interaction with “Holy shit, he keeps taking time from me and my potential lady.” I couldn’t help but laugh, because yes, he had in fact taken two of his minutes with me. I learned that Lee was some sort of engineer, we couldn’t help but continue to stray back to all topics Jim, and again it was safe to say that I had not found my match. The night continued very much in the same form, I found that most men were either engineers, or in some sort of IT job.

Another memorable gentleman, who introduced himself by announcing his whole name before he had even taken a seat. “Hi, I’m Tony Montana.” He spoke/shouted while opening his leather jacket showing me his nametag. “Hi, I’m Love.” I replied signaling for him to sit down. “That’s it, that’s your name?” He said as he sat down. “Yup. I only have one name like Cher.” I joked. He didn’t laugh. Once he had written my name on his sheet, he looked at me, and loudly began my 5-minute interview. “Do you want kids?” I sat there, knowing that at least a few people had heard the question, and were now awaiting my response. Completely stunned, that he had decided to ask such a question right off the bat had me speechless. I shook myself out of my shock and answered honestly “You know, right now my answer is no, but you never know, maybe down the road I will change my mind.” I couldn’t tell if this was the response he was looking for but he did continue his interview like questions, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your goals?” I can honestly say that when the gong was rung, I was more then relieved to say my goodbyes.

By the end of the night I had meet one tennis instructor, and a 46 year-old man who I’m fairly positive was gay. So here is the moral of my speed dating night. Go in ready for some laughs, and there is no way you will be disappointed. Did I find my match? My other half? No, but what I did find, was that even in the most awkward of situations, I can have a good time and make the most of the shenanigans in which I get myself into. This was not the first time I had gotten myself into a situation like this, and I’m sure it wont be my last.

The book Nuts, was honestly more than I could have every wanted in a book. Although the book was fairly predictable, it was absolutely charming. It honestly has to be one of the funniest books I have ever read. From beginning to end, I was smiling and laughing out loud. The premise to this book was so creative and different yet so comically amazing that I finished reading it, only to wipe the laughter tears away and turn to page one to do it all over again. So if you are looking for a funny cute romantic comedy, where the lead character is a bit of a mess yet makes you root for her from the very beginning, then this is the book for you. Plus Leo, the hot farmer has to be one of my favorite male characters of all time (and I’ve read a lot of books!). In the words of Harry Dunne (Dumb & Dumber) “You do something like this and totally redeem yourself!” I’m woman enough to admit, that perhaps I was wrong about Alice Clayton. So do yourself a favor, save the money spent on speed dating and buy yourself this book, and maybe a nice bottle of wine and get ready to read a delightful book.

 

 

At least I had a good book….

A few weeks ago, while on the Tind, I swiped right on a good-looking guy. I actually swiped right because he reminded me of my childhood crush Dean Cain of Superman fame. Deciding I had seen enough shirtless rock climbers for a day, I logged off and went back to reading Kilti by Mariana Zapata. Within 2 minutes my phone not only pinged once, but twice indicating I had received a match and a message. I pretended to ignore it, then thought, “Eh, who am I kidding?” and logged back on.

I was completely shocked to see that Superman had written me, “Hi (insert my name here)!!! Being a girl, I got giddy, and excited that one, he had written me immediately, and two, he used not 1, but 3 exclamation points. So I said hello immediately, and our conversation began.

Over the next few days, our conversations were superficial, the what, how, and when’s of everyday life. He cracked a few jokes, I laughed and shared a few jokes of my own eliciting a few lol’s and even a few emojis. We signed off a few minutes later as it was dinner time and both had places to be.

The next morning I had a new message from him, explaining that he had eaten the best double bacon cheddar cheese burger, “EVER!” He proceeded to describe how delicious it was, and how he wished it wasn’t so unhealthy so he could eat them all the time. I figured since he was sharing so much about his love of the BCCB, I’d tell him that I had never had a BCCB in my life… Here is how our conversation went down:

Me: Brace yourself, I have a confession.
CK: ok…
Me: I’ve never had bacon.
CK: WHY??
Me: I’m kosher.
CK: Why?
Me: long story short, my dad is Jewish, my mom is protestant, they are both kosher…. Raised vegetarian, but I discovered beef when I was a teen and rebelled, told them I wasn’t a vegetarian anymore. But to not completely break their hearts, I eat kosher.
CK: ok.
45 minutes later
CK: Seems logical.

He signed off again, having a meeting to get to. I joked with my friends that Superman who had been so verbose, and talkative was now speaking monosyllabically because I didn’t eat bacon. They laughed and called me “stupid”. I laughed some more and then went back to my awesome book, at least I had my book. I thought about bacon and laughed one more time.

So, I waited a day, and I was encouraged to start up a conversation with him again. Jump back on the horse they said, it’ll be fine they said. So, I wrote him and asked him about his aforementioned travels. His replies were short, and to the point. I was like “Alrighty then” and decided to leave it up to him to write me, should he be so inclined. He wasn’t inclined. I however, was inclined to take pictures of our conversation as proof that something I had said had scared him off. I went to my conversations and it was GONE. Everything was gone, he had not only decided to stop writing me, but to un-match me, he was gone, and so was our complete conversation. It’s all fun and games, until a guy unmatches and blocks you. Jokingly I told my co-workers and best friends about my bacon theory and again they said “no way”. Only now I couldn’t show them the actual conversation.

It was in that moment that I knew the truth. Bacon did this. Bacon was a cock-block. That’s right, I was blaming it on the bacon. Facking Bacon, I hate you!

Anyways, I laughed about it, made jokes about it and went back to my awesome book. Kulti had me laughing out loud until it mentioned breakfast, which made me think of bacon. Stupid bacon.

Three days passed and I mentioned this conversation to my friends Valerie and Annalise, one was as confused as me, while the other believed it had more to do with the fact that my family was so religious something he didn’t seem to be. Although that is most likely closer to the truth, I choose to blame it on bacon. Or maybe Superman wasn’t as nice as he appeared, perhaps he was obsessed with bacon, and a non-bacon eater just wouldn’t fit into his life. Whatever the truth is, my conversation left me feeling mad, something that books rarely do to me.

So I chose to eat a cupcake and get happy again by reading my current favorite book. My friend and book club buddy found this book and told me I should read it. It has been quite some time since I’ve read a book that I loved so fully. Kulti is a book about a profession soccer player who has put her romantic life on the back burner to focus on her career. It wasn’t this that hit so close to home, but the relationships in the book truly made me fall in love with her as much as it did with the lead male character. Something that is hard to do. I don’t want to spoil the plot, but I do want to suggest that if you are looking for a great romance book, read this book, and read it now!

Oh, and to add insult to injury, my iPhone keyboard now has a bacon emoji.

Dating or whatever…

So it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted… my sincerest apologies

If you logged onto my Tinder app, here is what you’d find out about me, I have over 100 matches, (yay me). Of these 100 I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with about 10% of them. You see being a lady that I am, expect the man to chat me up first. For the most part they don’t, apparently someone shot chivalry. For it, is very much dead!

Of these 10% about 4% only chat me up long enough to know that I am not the kind of lady who is down to “Get to know each other biblically, because I should be so lucky.” ß true story, some dude actually said that to me. It’s safe to say, we are now madly in love and have 2.5 kids, HAHA JK! Ok, so back to my rant…

The remaining 6% didn’t get the memo that girls like to get to know a guy before agreeing to meet up. That, and or, they are trying to Catfish me, because most of the guys have basically lost interest when I did things like ask questions, because God forbid I want to get to know a guy before I agree to basically potentially be murdered at a local Starbucks.

But don’t fret; I’m having a great time, because I’m a lover of learning. I’ve learned so much about what it means to be a lady trying to catch her a man these days. As per my usual, here is my list of fun things I’ve learned from the University of Tinder.

  1. Apparently having that many abs makes you allergic to shirts.I should probably stop eating these Cheetos Puffs, cause there is no way I will be able to catch me one of these 12 pack shirtless in every picture guys.
  2. My two biggest fears are keeping me from catching me a man.Should my 4% agree to got out on a date, he will most likely want to do 2 things, rock climb then surf. Only, I am terrified of heights, and although shark week is by far my favorite week all year, I am terrified of becoming shark bait.
  3. There are Superheroes on Tinder. Like real ones.I’m now a pro at spotting them. The Super Douches are among us, hiding in bathrooms, taking selfies, while showing off their chiseled bodies and too much hair product. But don’t worry ladies, they’re easily spotted in gyms, taking pictures of themselves instead of working out.
  4. You must be 9’ tall to ride. Average height guys are about 6’7”. I’m going to need a good chiropractor, one who will be able to adjust my neck, because I’m 5’1” (on a good day), basically I need to accept that we are going to looking awkward, unless I learn how to walk in 8” heels… Does amazon sell these? (haha… just looked up 8” heels and they are specifically referred to as Stripper heels).
  5. Must play nice (too nice).During one of my “chats”, I had a guy ask me, if I enjoyed anal sex in public places, all this before 9am and first name introductions. Mama said play nice, but I don’t think that’s what she had in mind.

So, as I continue in search of my Tinderince, I shall continue to share fun photos of lady boys, and gingers wearing speedos, because why not?

Enjoy!

Tind 1 Tind 2 Tind 3 Tind 4 Tind 5 Tind 6

Tinderella seeking non-douche Tinderince

I feel the need to start by introducing my current relationship situation, and myself or lack there of for that matter. I recently just turned 30, and am single. My bff, “Valerie” is also single and she took the initiative to get herself and me in tow, onto the site we call Tinder. Since this adventure is too good not to share, I thought you all deserve a moment of humor, at my expense. You’re welcome!

  1. People who aren’t single, and haven’t been single in years, should get no say as to why I am still single. You just don’t get it unless you are single. Period. End of story, move on, next topic, how about them Padres?
  2. Now, lets get a few things clear. One, I know that Tinder is mainly used to “hook-up” and no, I am not, nor have I ever been that kind of girl. There has to be at least one decent guy on this site right?
  3. There are a lot of “single” men out there. But dating a douche bag isn’t particularly high on my list.
  4. Here are some pointers, because lets face it, you don’t want to appear to be a douche (even if you are one), hide that shit until you at least get to date #2.
    1. No bathroom mirror selfies- you look like a 13 year old girl
    2. No bathroom mirror selfies, with your shirt off. “Oh, you have a 6-pack.” I don’t give a rat’s ass, put a damn shirt on!
    3. If every picture you have on your profile is you with some girl (who isn’t family), I’m left Swiping. I don’t care how hot/ funny you seem.
    4. No man, (except David Beckham) looks good in a Speedo, unless you are in Spain, then it’s free for all. Just don’t post those pictures on your profile.

So far here is what the universe has to offer me…. They say pictures are worth a thousand words so here are a few thousand words.

photo 1 photo 2 photo 3 photo 4

Stay tuned, as this Tinder adventure has only just begun.

The Honeymoon Period, or Not

The term Honeymoon period is used to describe much more than the actual honeymoon period. I used it to describe the feeling I had when I read the Novella written by my favorite author, only this time I used the word OVER after the term. So as my pre-order for Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover was downloading, that I thought and secretly prayed that she would not let me down. The expectations for this book were so high, and I knew I might have set myself up for a complete letdown. And so, with a weary heart I began to read.

I recently turned… 30, and I am proud to say that I didn’t freak out once. I wish I could say I was a complete adult about the whole situation, but I couldn’t. I took 2 days off and went to my happiest place on earth. Disneyland. What did you think I was going to say? Anywho… it was there that someone asked how I was handling turning 30 and not being married, or close to being married for that matter. I was shocked that this person was so blunt and also for being such an asshole, on my birthday nonetheless! Douche.

Anyways, after my return to the real world, my best friend of too many years (who is also single) took me out to coffee. Hmmmm, coffee. It was while she was paying for my coffee that I knew she was up to something, and based on the look she had on her face, I knew I wasn’t going to be happy. She asked me for my phone, which was a usual occurrence since I have a much newer phone. It was after we found a few chairs that she said “I’m getting you this app what’s your password?” Sadly, it still didn’t click, and I gave it to her. I drank my coffee, enjoying my latest romance novel, when she put my phone down face first. I put my kindle down, and went to grab it but she stopped me. “You have to give this a try, promise me.” I didn’t promise her, but I did take my phone, and that was when I saw it. TINDER, the new flipping app, on my phone. We had a very adult conversation about how I need to give it a try before I said no. I reluctantly agreed, knowing there was no point in denying her, one way or another.

So I’ve been on it for 3 weeks, and in that time, I have been on the app a total of 4 times (one was the night it was installed). It was there that I “met” a young man; lets call him “John”. It all began with basic lets get to know each other banter. The what do you do, what are your hobbies, then the conversation grew boring. So I decided that I would give it one more try. Here is how the conversation basically went down. Me- Whats your favorite Tv show? Mine is Arrested Development.
John- Sons of Anarchy, and Arrested was not my cup of tea.
John- Wait. Seinfield.
Me- Sorry, never liked it. Favorite foods? Mine are Indian and Italian. Yours?
John- Ew Indian. I love sushi.
Me- I hate sushi. I should probably mention I’m Kosher.
John- Jeswish?
Me- Kinda, mom is SDA, dad is Jewish.
John- Are you religious?
Me- I try to be. You?
John- Not at all.
Me- Well Shit.

So you would think I’d be done. But I had made a promise and I though well, they say opposites attract, and then he asked me about that I found attractive in a man. I told him. And then he did it, he dropped the bomb. “I like shorter girls, cause I’m short.” I was thinking well my brother is like 5’7 and he thinks he’s short, so maybe this is what he’s thinking is short. I waited for another text that came minutes later. 5’4. Insert course words here. You see, I’m short, but as a girl, it’s considered “normal”. And I know myself, I have never been attracted to short guys, ever, call me shallow, call me a B, but I think that once the “honeymoon” period is over you can take off your fun colored glasses and see that I could focus on just this one thing, or notice that at the end of the day, we were just so not compatible. Most of our conversations were the same he and I not agreeing or having similar likes and wants.

When an author releases a release date for a new book, avid readers prep themselves, pre-order plan when to read etc. And it was at said author’s book signing that I became super excited about the prospect of this new book. But then we were told that we would have to wait close to 9 months for it. Then I became apprehensive because her last book had let me down. It wasn’t a Sacred 5 like all the others she had written, but it was still a high 4, which means it’s super high on any list readers list. Maybe the Honeymoon period would end here, and she would no longer be my favorite author. Maybe she would become the author of my favorite books, and that’s all. This sad thought loomed over me like a sad cloud until the book downloaded onto my Kindle.

At first I read and found some of the things that made me think I was going to dislike it, things that had deterred me from reading/ finishing other books. Love triangles, annoying roommates, etc. But the more I gave into the story, the more I found I could relate to the protagonist. I loved her character, but hated the circumstances that life had placed in front of her, much like my own life. That was when I came to the conclusion, that unlike my Tinder guy, I was still in love with her writing, and the Honeymoon Period, was still very much alive.

The Night I Became a THIEF, And it was Totally Worth IT.

I’m out of control. The first step of a problem, is admitting you have a problem. Right? I mean that’s it, I’m done. Good. Thanks, I’m glad this was so easy. I feel ten times better. (smile… eye twitch) Damn it, that’s a lie. Okay, lets go back to the beginning. I have a problem and I don’t know how to fix it.

You see, this obsession began years ago. I should say it began shelves of books ago, I remember hating reading as a kid and always thought it was stupid. I guess I  hadn’t figured out that if you are bored while reading, you’re not doing it right.  So, back to my problem. I read. Like all the time. Like every chance I get. To the point that the only way that I can control how much I read, was by setting a monthly spending limit. But it didn’t work. So I’ve had to resort to buying myself a gift card, and not allowing myself to spend more than that. Sad, I know. Some people buy drugs, other drink and party, me… well I read. What can I say, I’m a party animal.

So now that you know what my problem is, let me tell you about my latest predicament. Colleen Hoover, writer extraordinaire had a book released last week, March 18th to be exact. This book had been on my radar since I went to a geeky book signing, where she told us about it, and I got all giddy, like a school girl. (Stop judging me). All I knew was the title of the book Maybe Someday. After that day, I began stalking Amazon, her website, Goodreads, and even her Facebook page. Yup, stalker status techie version.

So when I received a 3am email from Amazon, informing me that her book had a release date, and could be pre-ordered, guess what I did? I got up grabbed my reading glasses did a little dance and then pre-ordered the book. Then I went back to sleep, with a smile on my face. I was almost out of money on my gift card, but didn’t think anything as I went through book after book waiting for the release I had been waiting on for over a year. Then the night before the book was to be released, I logged onto my Facebook and sure enough Colleen had posted about her book going “Live”. I though “eh it’s only 11pm, I can go to sleep and wake up early and read.” That was the plan, then I made the mistake of clicking on comments where people from the West Coast were saying that they already had it, and I opened my Kindle and it wasn’t there. After hitting sync about 10 times I logged onto my account and it hadn’t downloaded, because I didn’t have enough funds on my gift cards. You’re probably thinking “Big deal, put more money on your card.” I couldn’t. I would like to say that it was all my willpower that didn’t allow me to get more funds. Sadly that wasn’t the case.

I literally couldn’t buy more funds. You see, I was one of the millions affected by the Target hack and my debit card was no longer working, it was at 11pm when I realized Amazon’s policy doesn’t allow you to used a check/account to buy ebooks. So after trying a few times, I called customer service, and you know what “Kevin” on the other line suggested? He suggested I go to the supermarket and use one of my checks and buy a gift card . So after laughing and saying that their policy doesn’t make sense, and told him that going to the supermarket at 11pm wasn’t an option,  I did something I’m not proud of (head down in shame). I logged onto my sister’s account and “Gifted myself” the book. She wouldn’t care. I swear, and I planned on telling her, but it was 11:30pm and she was sleeping. I decided then and there that I needed the book and would tell her in the am.

It was days later that I remembered to confess to my sister that I had not only logged on to her account, and borrowed some money from her, with no attention to pay her back. She laughed about it and then said I needed an intervention. She changed her password that night. “Dude, I’m your enabler. I’m only doing it to help you get a life.” Bitch. Then I guess she felt bad cause the next day she changed her password back and sent me and I’m sorry gift card.

I tell you what, it was worth it. I mean the book Fan-Flipping-tastic, turns out I didn’t fall asleep early that night, or the following. It took me all of 1.5 days to finish the book. And all I have to say, is that it was worth the nightmare that I had to go through to read it. Plus, I got $25 Gift card from my sister and my free book. SCORE! I took it all as a positive sign, one in where the universe is telling me that I should be reading. Yay. Problem solved!

Whatever You Do… Don’t Eat the Leftovers!

Years ago I went to this amazing restaurant, I found it by accident, long before Yelp made it easy to find your newest food obsession. I went in looked at the emptiness and almost walked out, I mean, that cant be a good sign, right? But then I saw the prices and thought, $4.99 lunch combo. I’m in! Sure, the idea of getting sick crossed my mind, but being a typical broke college student I took the risk of getting an awful case of the bubble guts, just to avoid eating top ramen (again).

I ordered my food, sat down and waited anxiously. When the food arrived, I prayed that my dwindling bank account, wouldn’t force me to spend the night on the porcelain throne. I took my first bite, and I swear to you, it was the most amazing thing I had ever tasted. It was as good as that moment when you get home, and take off your bra, freeing your boobs after a long day of captivity. Or as good as that moment when you get to pee, after holding it for an unhealthy period of time. I ate as if it was going out of style.

I ate. And ate. And ate until I hated myself.  I knew one more bite would make me do the unthinkable, unbuttoning my jeans in public. But it didn’t seem to faze me, so I took that last bite. And I must say, it was worth it! I looked at what was left on my plate, and sighed. I knew I couldn’t take one more bite, but it was too good. So I did something I never do. I took home leftovers. I placed it in the passengers side, and was already excited about the prospect of eating my delicious leftovers.

I got home and placed my leftovers in my refrigerator, and closed the door reverently. I walked away, and went on with my day, fantasizing about the moment when I got to eat my heavenly meal. After a few classes and an afternoon of daydreaming, I went home, opened the fridge and took out my leftovers. I set the microwave, and watched it like a child watching a clock on Christmas morning.

When I heard that much anticipated “Ding” I opened the door, and took my food to the couch. I took a bite closing my eyes, and began to moan. Only I stopped myself, because what was in my mouth was not what I had eaten this afternoon. There is no way that it was the same, this was awful. “No, the flavors must have changed in the fridge.” I said aloud. I took another bite, but it wasn’t any better, in fact, it was worse.  Third times the charm, right? WRONG! It was gross, worse than gross! “WTF?” I close the lid on my food, and threw it away angrily, wondering what had happened somewhere between this afternoon and now.

Somehow, I had built it up in my brain. That had to be it. Seriously. Nothing else makes sense. It was amazing, and then it was the scum you find in between peoples toes. Worse. It was worse.

Now, let me explain why I told you this long story (it has a point, pink swear). I read a book and I thought it was amazing the first time around. The main characters of The Edge of Never, Andrew & Camryn made me fall in love with them from page 1 (ok, ok page 15) but still it was true love, I swear. While reading I laughed, cried, and cried some more, but in the end, I was so happy with the way the book ended that I went onto my Goodreads account and gave my book a 4. Wait, don’t stop reading, I’m not a complete bitch I swear! A 4 to me is like an A, it’s not as bad as it sounds. A 5 on the other hand, well that’s like finding a unicorn, a rare and beautiful unicorn. So, like I was saying I gave the book a 4 and moved on with my life. That was until I found out that there was a book 2 coming out, at the end of the following year. Yippee!

Excitement does not begin to explain the joy I felt, I put it in my calendar, and even cleared my reading schedule a week prior to re-read book 1. Book 2 came out this week, and having preordered the book, I found myself giddy when I opened my Kindle App and saw it there, waiting for me to pick up right where I left off, in love and excited.  The book had a slow start, but I knew I would fall back in love, and would feel their joy, and their sadness, and all that mushiness. But I didn’t. I mean, I tried, really hard. But, I had to literally push myself to keep reading, page after page, chapter after chapter. But it sucked. I’m almost sorry to be so blunt, because I loved book 1.  I kept pushing myself to keep reading, to try to feel what I did the first time around, just like I did with my food. But nothing ever compared to that first bite, or that first chapter. I pushed myself, bite after bite, page after page, it didn’t get any better. It did the complete opposite, it got worse.

Truth be told, I think I did it to myself. I put book 1 on a pedestal. I put the restaurant on the same pedestal. I think I sent myself up both times, first with the food and then with this book. Only this time, I still have the leftover still starring at me every time I open my Kindle.

So moral of the story is, if something was amazing the first time, don’t ruin it by eating the leftovers. Make up your own ending, or tell yourself the place got closed down due to a low grade, or the author got arrested for not paying her taxes and doesn’t have access to a computer in prison. Tell yourself anything you need to in order to erase the hours spent reading book 2 , do whatever you need to forget about it all, but whatever you do, don’t eat the leftovers!