A Sure Thing

There are a few things in life that I can say are sure things, like how I will always forget to fill my gas tank on Sunday night, which means I will be late to work on Monday. Or, the fact that I will get at least one creepy message on my Match account. I keep telling myself that one of these things I can control because it’s a sure thing, and the other isn’t going to change anytime soon, because there are way too many creeps out there.
One Monday morning as I was driving to work I began an Audible book by Jana Aston. I had read Wrong by her a few years back and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I decided to give Sure Thing a chance. It was after all, going to be an extra long commute as it was “raining” in San Diego, and well, we are idiots who don’t know how to deal with any kind of weather. Like anything other than 72 degrees, makes us panic. If it’s too hot we panic, if it’s too cold we bitch. But God help us all if it rains. We legitimately turn into accident prone idiots. Every single one of us. If the rain wasn’t enough to make me unhappy, my nearly empty gas tank did it. I was officially unhappy.
But after the Audible intro the book began, Andries appeared my day was looking up. I suddenly didn’t care about the length of the drive because I was laughing my ass off. I rewound the book and truly enjoyed the first few lines again. “I can do this, Daisy does it. She does it all the time, I mean I don’t want to insinuate that my sister is the slutty one. But… she’s the slutty one.” The book is about Violet who loses her job and boyfriend and apartment within the same day. With her dwindling bank account, Violet has no choice but to take up her twin sister when she suggests she fill in for her at her work for the week, and that is how Violet finds herself being Daisy for a week long adventure. And if this isn’t enough of a fun twist, Jana Aston threw in a British guy, and what girl doesn’t love a hot British guy?
I finally made it to work with a full tank of gas, and a smile on my face. Over the next few gray days, the only thing keeping a smile on my face was looking forward to hearing more about Violet and her hunky British guy with a sexy name to match. Jennings was a complete gentleman who talked dirty at the right time and knew when to stop while he was ahead. Unlike “Jonathan” who decided to message me on Match. Now, let me begin by saying that it had been a long rainy week, and I was looking forward to my cozy night in.
The following conversation began innocently, throwing me for a loop with how quickly it turned.
Jonathan: Hi!
Me: Welcome back Jeff!
J: HAHA, did we match before?
M: Yes, but I got like 6 messages that you were “banned for suspicious activity.”
J: I actually just deleted my profile. I guess they consider that suspicious.
Me: Well, clearly you pissed them off, why else did they inform me so many times? Haha.
J; IDK, but I needed to get off, too many girls playing games.
Me: I can see that. I just got a good laugh and wondered what “suspicious behavior” entailed.
J: Or why they have to ban someone 6 times, and then allow them to come back. Looks like a glitch to me.
Me: I guess, but it was like they were building up their badassery.
J: Hahaha, thanks I appreciate that.
J: That’s a good way to look at it.
Me: x6, but I guess I’ve been warned right.
****NOW I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED, BUT IT WAS LATE AND HIS GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION WAS ON POINT. ***
J: Oh dear, sounds like you’re a naughty girl!
Me: Nope, just have a big imagination.
J: I love a girl with a big imagination. I find it goes well with my BIG imagination. It’s getting late, I’d love to use our imaginations late into the night. Here’s my number, lets make this happen. (555)555-5555.
So, I get that I used words like badassery, and imagination, but I just cannot get over the fact that this guy didn’t even know my name. He literally took 4 minutes before he decided that we needed to talk about his “big imagination”. How is this ok? I mean, I guess I had the warning signs, but I too have needed time away from dating apps and have deleted them, only to come back to them months later, so I don’t know what it shows guys when we have been matched. But at least I learned something, don’t use the word imagination or badassery, because if you do, the guy will assume you are a sure thing.
So do yourself a favor, take a break from the creeps online and read a great book. One that I assure you will have you laughing, and swooning, for a guy who has perfected the art of flirting without being a complete creepy ass douche.

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Whatever You Do… Don’t Eat the Leftovers!

Years ago I went to this amazing restaurant, I found it by accident, long before Yelp made it easy to find your newest food obsession. I went in looked at the emptiness and almost walked out, I mean, that cant be a good sign, right? But then I saw the prices and thought, $4.99 lunch combo. I’m in! Sure, the idea of getting sick crossed my mind, but being a typical broke college student I took the risk of getting an awful case of the bubble guts, just to avoid eating top ramen (again).

I ordered my food, sat down and waited anxiously. When the food arrived, I prayed that my dwindling bank account, wouldn’t force me to spend the night on the porcelain throne. I took my first bite, and I swear to you, it was the most amazing thing I had ever tasted. It was as good as that moment when you get home, and take off your bra, freeing your boobs after a long day of captivity. Or as good as that moment when you get to pee, after holding it for an unhealthy period of time. I ate as if it was going out of style.

I ate. And ate. And ate until I hated myself.  I knew one more bite would make me do the unthinkable, unbuttoning my jeans in public. But it didn’t seem to faze me, so I took that last bite. And I must say, it was worth it! I looked at what was left on my plate, and sighed. I knew I couldn’t take one more bite, but it was too good. So I did something I never do. I took home leftovers. I placed it in the passengers side, and was already excited about the prospect of eating my delicious leftovers.

I got home and placed my leftovers in my refrigerator, and closed the door reverently. I walked away, and went on with my day, fantasizing about the moment when I got to eat my heavenly meal. After a few classes and an afternoon of daydreaming, I went home, opened the fridge and took out my leftovers. I set the microwave, and watched it like a child watching a clock on Christmas morning.

When I heard that much anticipated “Ding” I opened the door, and took my food to the couch. I took a bite closing my eyes, and began to moan. Only I stopped myself, because what was in my mouth was not what I had eaten this afternoon. There is no way that it was the same, this was awful. “No, the flavors must have changed in the fridge.” I said aloud. I took another bite, but it wasn’t any better, in fact, it was worse.  Third times the charm, right? WRONG! It was gross, worse than gross! “WTF?” I close the lid on my food, and threw it away angrily, wondering what had happened somewhere between this afternoon and now.

Somehow, I had built it up in my brain. That had to be it. Seriously. Nothing else makes sense. It was amazing, and then it was the scum you find in between peoples toes. Worse. It was worse.

Now, let me explain why I told you this long story (it has a point, pink swear). I read a book and I thought it was amazing the first time around. The main characters of The Edge of Never, Andrew & Camryn made me fall in love with them from page 1 (ok, ok page 15) but still it was true love, I swear. While reading I laughed, cried, and cried some more, but in the end, I was so happy with the way the book ended that I went onto my Goodreads account and gave my book a 4. Wait, don’t stop reading, I’m not a complete bitch I swear! A 4 to me is like an A, it’s not as bad as it sounds. A 5 on the other hand, well that’s like finding a unicorn, a rare and beautiful unicorn. So, like I was saying I gave the book a 4 and moved on with my life. That was until I found out that there was a book 2 coming out, at the end of the following year. Yippee!

Excitement does not begin to explain the joy I felt, I put it in my calendar, and even cleared my reading schedule a week prior to re-read book 1. Book 2 came out this week, and having preordered the book, I found myself giddy when I opened my Kindle App and saw it there, waiting for me to pick up right where I left off, in love and excited.  The book had a slow start, but I knew I would fall back in love, and would feel their joy, and their sadness, and all that mushiness. But I didn’t. I mean, I tried, really hard. But, I had to literally push myself to keep reading, page after page, chapter after chapter. But it sucked. I’m almost sorry to be so blunt, because I loved book 1.  I kept pushing myself to keep reading, to try to feel what I did the first time around, just like I did with my food. But nothing ever compared to that first bite, or that first chapter. I pushed myself, bite after bite, page after page, it didn’t get any better. It did the complete opposite, it got worse.

Truth be told, I think I did it to myself. I put book 1 on a pedestal. I put the restaurant on the same pedestal. I think I sent myself up both times, first with the food and then with this book. Only this time, I still have the leftover still starring at me every time I open my Kindle.

So moral of the story is, if something was amazing the first time, don’t ruin it by eating the leftovers. Make up your own ending, or tell yourself the place got closed down due to a low grade, or the author got arrested for not paying her taxes and doesn’t have access to a computer in prison. Tell yourself anything you need to in order to erase the hours spent reading book 2 , do whatever you need to forget about it all, but whatever you do, don’t eat the leftovers!