A few weeks ago, while on the Tind, I swiped right on a good-looking guy. I actually swiped right because he reminded me of my childhood crush Dean Cain of Superman fame. Deciding I had seen enough shirtless rock climbers for a day, I logged off and went back to reading Kilti by Mariana Zapata. Within 2 minutes my phone not only pinged once, but twice indicating I had received a match and a message. I pretended to ignore it, then thought, “Eh, who am I kidding?” and logged back on.
I was completely shocked to see that Superman had written me, “Hi (insert my name here)!!! Being a girl, I got giddy, and excited that one, he had written me immediately, and two, he used not 1, but 3 exclamation points. So I said hello immediately, and our conversation began.
Over the next few days, our conversations were superficial, the what, how, and when’s of everyday life. He cracked a few jokes, I laughed and shared a few jokes of my own eliciting a few lol’s and even a few emojis. We signed off a few minutes later as it was dinner time and both had places to be.
The next morning I had a new message from him, explaining that he had eaten the best double bacon cheddar cheese burger, “EVER!” He proceeded to describe how delicious it was, and how he wished it wasn’t so unhealthy so he could eat them all the time. I figured since he was sharing so much about his love of the BCCB, I’d tell him that I had never had a BCCB in my life… Here is how our conversation went down:
Me: Brace yourself, I have a confession.
Me: I’ve never had bacon.
Me: I’m kosher.
Me: long story short, my dad is Jewish, my mom is protestant, they are both kosher…. Raised vegetarian, but I discovered beef when I was a teen and rebelled, told them I wasn’t a vegetarian anymore. But to not completely break their hearts, I eat kosher.
45 minutes later
CK: Seems logical.
He signed off again, having a meeting to get to. I joked with my friends that Superman who had been so verbose, and talkative was now speaking monosyllabically because I didn’t eat bacon. They laughed and called me “stupid”. I laughed some more and then went back to my awesome book, at least I had my book. I thought about bacon and laughed one more time.
So, I waited a day, and I was encouraged to start up a conversation with him again. Jump back on the horse they said, it’ll be fine they said. So, I wrote him and asked him about his aforementioned travels. His replies were short, and to the point. I was like “Alrighty then” and decided to leave it up to him to write me, should he be so inclined. He wasn’t inclined. I however, was inclined to take pictures of our conversation as proof that something I had said had scared him off. I went to my conversations and it was GONE. Everything was gone, he had not only decided to stop writing me, but to un-match me, he was gone, and so was our complete conversation. It’s all fun and games, until a guy unmatches and blocks you. Jokingly I told my co-workers and best friends about my bacon theory and again they said “no way”. Only now I couldn’t show them the actual conversation.
It was in that moment that I knew the truth. Bacon did this. Bacon was a cock-block. That’s right, I was blaming it on the bacon. Facking Bacon, I hate you!
Anyways, I laughed about it, made jokes about it and went back to my awesome book. Kulti had me laughing out loud until it mentioned breakfast, which made me think of bacon. Stupid bacon.
Three days passed and I mentioned this conversation to my friends Valerie and Annalise, one was as confused as me, while the other believed it had more to do with the fact that my family was so religious something he didn’t seem to be. Although that is most likely closer to the truth, I choose to blame it on bacon. Or maybe Superman wasn’t as nice as he appeared, perhaps he was obsessed with bacon, and a non-bacon eater just wouldn’t fit into his life. Whatever the truth is, my conversation left me feeling mad, something that books rarely do to me.
So I chose to eat a cupcake and get happy again by reading my current favorite book. My friend and book club buddy found this book and told me I should read it. It has been quite some time since I’ve read a book that I loved so fully. Kulti is a book about a profession soccer player who has put her romantic life on the back burner to focus on her career. It wasn’t this that hit so close to home, but the relationships in the book truly made me fall in love with her as much as it did with the lead male character. Something that is hard to do. I don’t want to spoil the plot, but I do want to suggest that if you are looking for a great romance book, read this book, and read it now!
Oh, and to add insult to injury, my iPhone keyboard now has a bacon emoji.