There are a few things in life that I can say are sure things, like how I will always forget to fill my gas tank on Sunday night, which means I will be late to work on Monday. Or, the fact that I will get at least one creepy message on my Match account. I keep telling myself that one of these things I can control because it’s a sure thing, and the other isn’t going to change anytime soon, because there are way too many creeps out there.
One Monday morning as I was driving to work I began an Audible book by Jana Aston. I had read Wrong by her a few years back and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I decided to give Sure Thing a chance. It was after all, going to be an extra long commute as it was “raining” in San Diego, and well, we are idiots who don’t know how to deal with any kind of weather. Like anything other than 72 degrees, makes us panic. If it’s too hot we panic, if it’s too cold we bitch. But God help us all if it rains. We legitimately turn into accident prone idiots. Every single one of us. If the rain wasn’t enough to make me unhappy, my nearly empty gas tank did it. I was officially unhappy.
But after the Audible intro the book began, Andries appeared my day was looking up. I suddenly didn’t care about the length of the drive because I was laughing my ass off. I rewound the book and truly enjoyed the first few lines again. “I can do this, Daisy does it. She does it all the time, I mean I don’t want to insinuate that my sister is the slutty one. But… she’s the slutty one.” The book is about Violet who loses her job and boyfriend and apartment within the same day. With her dwindling bank account, Violet has no choice but to take up her twin sister when she suggests she fill in for her at her work for the week, and that is how Violet finds herself being Daisy for a week long adventure. And if this isn’t enough of a fun twist, Jana Aston threw in a British guy, and what girl doesn’t love a hot British guy?
I finally made it to work with a full tank of gas, and a smile on my face. Over the next few gray days, the only thing keeping a smile on my face was looking forward to hearing more about Violet and her hunky British guy with a sexy name to match. Jennings was a complete gentleman who talked dirty at the right time and knew when to stop while he was ahead. Unlike “Jonathan” who decided to message me on Match. Now, let me begin by saying that it had been a long rainy week, and I was looking forward to my cozy night in.
The following conversation began innocently, throwing me for a loop with how quickly it turned.
Jonathan: Hi!
Me: Welcome back Jeff!
J: HAHA, did we match before?
M: Yes, but I got like 6 messages that you were “banned for suspicious activity.”
J: I actually just deleted my profile. I guess they consider that suspicious.
Me: Well, clearly you pissed them off, why else did they inform me so many times? Haha.
J; IDK, but I needed to get off, too many girls playing games.
Me: I can see that. I just got a good laugh and wondered what “suspicious behavior” entailed.
J: Or why they have to ban someone 6 times, and then allow them to come back. Looks like a glitch to me.
Me: I guess, but it was like they were building up their badassery.
J: Hahaha, thanks I appreciate that.
J: That’s a good way to look at it.
Me: x6, but I guess I’ve been warned right.
****NOW I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED, BUT IT WAS LATE AND HIS GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION WAS ON POINT. ***
J: Oh dear, sounds like you’re a naughty girl!
Me: Nope, just have a big imagination.
J: I love a girl with a big imagination. I find it goes well with my BIG imagination. It’s getting late, I’d love to use our imaginations late into the night. Here’s my number, lets make this happen. (555)555-5555.
So, I get that I used words like badassery, and imagination, but I just cannot get over the fact that this guy didn’t even know my name. He literally took 4 minutes before he decided that we needed to talk about his “big imagination”. How is this ok? I mean, I guess I had the warning signs, but I too have needed time away from dating apps and have deleted them, only to come back to them months later, so I don’t know what it shows guys when we have been matched. But at least I learned something, don’t use the word imagination or badassery, because if you do, the guy will assume you are a sure thing.
So do yourself a favor, take a break from the creeps online and read a great book. One that I assure you will have you laughing, and swooning, for a guy who has perfected the art of flirting without being a complete creepy ass douche.