The Night I Became a THIEF, And it was Totally Worth IT.

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I’m out of control. The first step of a problem, is admitting you have a problem. Right? I mean that’s it, I’m done. Good. Thanks, I’m glad this was so easy. I feel ten times better. (smile… eye twitch) Damn it, that’s a lie. Okay, lets go back to the beginning. I have a problem and I don’t know how to fix it.

You see, this obsession began years ago. I should say it began shelves of books ago, I remember hating reading as a kid and always thought it was stupid. I guess I  hadn’t figured out that if you are bored while reading, you’re not doing it right.  So, back to my problem. I read. Like all the time. Like every chance I get. To the point that the only way that I can control how much I read, was by setting a monthly spending limit. But it didn’t work. So I’ve had to resort to buying myself a gift card, and not allowing myself to spend more than that. Sad, I know. Some people buy drugs, other drink and party, me… well I read. What can I say, I’m a party animal.

So now that you know what my problem is, let me tell you about my latest predicament. Colleen Hoover, writer extraordinaire had a book released last week, March 18th to be exact. This book had been on my radar since I went to a geeky book signing, where she told us about it, and I got all giddy, like a school girl. (Stop judging me). All I knew was the title of the book Maybe Someday. After that day, I began stalking Amazon, her website, Goodreads, and even her Facebook page. Yup, stalker status techie version.

So when I received a 3am email from Amazon, informing me that her book had a release date, and could be pre-ordered, guess what I did? I got up grabbed my reading glasses did a little dance and then pre-ordered the book. Then I went back to sleep, with a smile on my face. I was almost out of money on my gift card, but didn’t think anything as I went through book after book waiting for the release I had been waiting on for over a year. Then the night before the book was to be released, I logged onto my Facebook and sure enough Colleen had posted about her book going “Live”. I though “eh it’s only 11pm, I can go to sleep and wake up early and read.” That was the plan, then I made the mistake of clicking on comments where people from the West Coast were saying that they already had it, and I opened my Kindle and it wasn’t there. After hitting sync about 10 times I logged onto my account and it hadn’t downloaded, because I didn’t have enough funds on my gift cards. You’re probably thinking “Big deal, put more money on your card.” I couldn’t. I would like to say that it was all my willpower that didn’t allow me to get more funds. Sadly that wasn’t the case.

I literally couldn’t buy more funds. You see, I was one of the millions affected by the Target hack and my debit card was no longer working, it was at 11pm when I realized Amazon’s policy doesn’t allow you to used a check/account to buy ebooks. So after trying a few times, I called customer service, and you know what “Kevin” on the other line suggested? He suggested I go to the supermarket and use one of my checks and buy a gift card . So after laughing and saying that their policy doesn’t make sense, and told him that going to the supermarket at 11pm wasn’t an option,  I did something I’m not proud of (head down in shame). I logged onto my sister’s account and “Gifted myself” the book. She wouldn’t care. I swear, and I planned on telling her, but it was 11:30pm and she was sleeping. I decided then and there that I needed the book and would tell her in the am.

It was days later that I remembered to confess to my sister that I had not only logged on to her account, and borrowed some money from her, with no attention to pay her back. She laughed about it and then said I needed an intervention. She changed her password that night. “Dude, I’m your enabler. I’m only doing it to help you get a life.” Bitch. Then I guess she felt bad cause the next day she changed her password back and sent me and I’m sorry gift card.

I tell you what, it was worth it. I mean the book Fan-Flipping-tastic, turns out I didn’t fall asleep early that night, or the following. It took me all of 1.5 days to finish the book. And all I have to say, is that it was worth the nightmare that I had to go through to read it. Plus, I got $25 Gift card from my sister and my free book. SCORE! I took it all as a positive sign, one in where the universe is telling me that I should be reading. Yay. Problem solved!

Whatever You Do… Don’t Eat the Leftovers!

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Years ago I went to this amazing restaurant, I found it by accident, long before Yelp made it easy to find your newest food obsession. I went in looked at the emptiness and almost walked out, I mean, that cant be a good sign, right? But then I saw the prices and thought, $4.99 lunch combo. I’m in! Sure, the idea of getting sick crossed my mind, but being a typical broke college student I took the risk of getting an awful case of the bubble guts, just to avoid eating top ramen (again).

I ordered my food, sat down and waited anxiously. When the food arrived, I prayed that my dwindling bank account, wouldn’t force me to spend the night on the porcelain throne. I took my first bite, and I swear to you, it was the most amazing thing I had ever tasted. It was as good as that moment when you get home, and take off your bra, freeing your boobs after a long day of captivity. Or as good as that moment when you get to pee, after holding it for an unhealthy period of time. I ate as if it was going out of style.

I ate. And ate. And ate until I hated myself.  I knew one more bite would make me do the unthinkable, unbuttoning my jeans in public. But it didn’t seem to faze me, so I took that last bite. And I must say, it was worth it! I looked at what was left on my plate, and sighed. I knew I couldn’t take one more bite, but it was too good. So I did something I never do. I took home leftovers. I placed it in the passengers side, and was already excited about the prospect of eating my delicious leftovers.

I got home and placed my leftovers in my refrigerator, and closed the door reverently. I walked away, and went on with my day, fantasizing about the moment when I got to eat my heavenly meal. After a few classes and an afternoon of daydreaming, I went home, opened the fridge and took out my leftovers. I set the microwave, and watched it like a child watching a clock on Christmas morning.

When I heard that much anticipated “Ding” I opened the door, and took my food to the couch. I took a bite closing my eyes, and began to moan. Only I stopped myself, because what was in my mouth was not what I had eaten this afternoon. There is no way that it was the same, this was awful. “No, the flavors must have changed in the fridge.” I said aloud. I took another bite, but it wasn’t any better, in fact, it was worse.  Third times the charm, right? WRONG! It was gross, worse than gross! “WTF?” I close the lid on my food, and threw it away angrily, wondering what had happened somewhere between this afternoon and now.

Somehow, I had built it up in my brain. That had to be it. Seriously. Nothing else makes sense. It was amazing, and then it was the scum you find in between peoples toes. Worse. It was worse.

Now, let me explain why I told you this long story (it has a point, pink swear). I read a book and I thought it was amazing the first time around. The main characters of The Edge of Never, Andrew & Camryn made me fall in love with them from page 1 (ok, ok page 15) but still it was true love, I swear. While reading I laughed, cried, and cried some more, but in the end, I was so happy with the way the book ended that I went onto my Goodreads account and gave my book a 4. Wait, don’t stop reading, I’m not a complete bitch I swear! A 4 to me is like an A, it’s not as bad as it sounds. A 5 on the other hand, well that’s like finding a unicorn, a rare and beautiful unicorn. So, like I was saying I gave the book a 4 and moved on with my life. That was until I found out that there was a book 2 coming out, at the end of the following year. Yippee!

Excitement does not begin to explain the joy I felt, I put it in my calendar, and even cleared my reading schedule a week prior to re-read book 1. Book 2 came out this week, and having preordered the book, I found myself giddy when I opened my Kindle App and saw it there, waiting for me to pick up right where I left off, in love and excited.  The book had a slow start, but I knew I would fall back in love, and would feel their joy, and their sadness, and all that mushiness. But I didn’t. I mean, I tried, really hard. But, I had to literally push myself to keep reading, page after page, chapter after chapter. But it sucked. I’m almost sorry to be so blunt, because I loved book 1.  I kept pushing myself to keep reading, to try to feel what I did the first time around, just like I did with my food. But nothing ever compared to that first bite, or that first chapter. I pushed myself, bite after bite, page after page, it didn’t get any better. It did the complete opposite, it got worse.

Truth be told, I think I did it to myself. I put book 1 on a pedestal. I put the restaurant on the same pedestal. I think I sent myself up both times, first with the food and then with this book. Only this time, I still have the leftover still starring at me every time I open my Kindle.

So moral of the story is, if something was amazing the first time, don’t ruin it by eating the leftovers. Make up your own ending, or tell yourself the place got closed down due to a low grade, or the author got arrested for not paying her taxes and doesn’t have access to a computer in prison. Tell yourself anything you need to in order to erase the hours spent reading book 2 , do whatever you need to forget about it all, but whatever you do, don’t eat the leftovers! 

He Gave Her a Fricking Library

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Belle was always my sister’s favorite Disney princess, and I never understood why. I mean Ariel was always my favorite. She lived under the ocean (awesome), where all the men were super hot (super awesome), and they didn’t wear shirts, like ever (super-duper awesome). Ok, maybe I didn’t think of it that was as a kid. Looking at it now, she’s a delusional hoarder, but back then the choice was obvious, Ariel all the way! Then one day as an adult, I watched Beauty and the Beast again, and realized she was the better choice. I mean if I was going to be a princess it would be her. It’s not like she was prettier than Ariel, or that the Beast was hotter than Eric (no competition), I would want to be Belle, because the Bitch was given a library. Who does that?  I’m excited when a guy gives me second glance, let alone a DAMN library. Talk about a book boyfriend! I mean let the SWOONING begin.

Sure, the Beast was ugly as a Beast, and even uglier as a Prince, but I guess love is blind, especially when given a gift like that. And the way he gave it to her, he was like “Hey it’s Tuesday, here’s a library!”  What’s he gonna get her for her birthday and Christmas? If you ask me, he just shot himself in the foot. He will never live up to this first gift, and lets face it they are doomed from the beginning.

So after feeling sad for myself, about not having my own fictional library, I sat down and looked at my book collection, and sighed. F! I want my own damn library. Since my job sucks, and I’m super poor, I know that’s not going to happen unless I throw myself into another world. A world in which just like Belle, I could become the girl who was swept off her feet by the amazingly handsome alpha-male guy, who gives gifts like libraries. 

And that is why you are here. To read my brutally honest reviews of mommy smut novels, and some (Please don’t judge me) YA books. My “book club” (Ms. Ekko McGregor and I), are constantly looking for the next elusive 5 Star book. Sadly, they are as scarce as the straight super hot, nerdy single guy. Sad Face. You should feel very pleased that you wont have to dig through all mediocre books to find our sacred 5’s, because I will do all the dirty work for you.

Sincerely,
Ms. I’m Jealous of Belle: The Bitch Blogger

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